. . . residual

by Daisy Kizza
(Johannesburg, South Africa)

Right after you lose someone precious to you
The kind of loss where they're gone - but right next to you
After everything, they choose just to walk away
Without thinking of the way it can affect you
No warning - no parade - no chance to think
They've made up their mind, didn't even blink
I never would have guessed that I would be abandoned
Until I was clutching at the air at the very brink
And then the signs that I missed began to show their faces
Rising up like beacons, darkening my heart in places
Showing me all the truths I had denied - yes
I had lied to my heart, to fill the empty spaces
Calling out for one who wasn't even listening
Clinging to ancient memories that wouldn't stop echoing
Having hope that maybe I could break right through the walls
But knowing silently - it's over! - pain was stifling . . .
So I walk on through life trying to forget
Haunted by memories that call up dark regret
Wishing for days when my trust came easier
Now it all just looms behind me - hidden silhouette
Held back from everybody, behind a loner pretense
Keeping the petals up, not sure if I'll relent
Wanting to separate the here and now from there and then
But then the fear returns and hackles rise - hostile defense
All I want to do right now is just let it go
Leave the past where it lies and just let me grow
I won't allow all the pain that was residual
To destroy all the beauty I have learnt to know
I just wanna feel the stirrings of closure.
Let the walls down - let you draw closer
Feel no regret for the friend I was to him and her
Because for all the pain I went through, I know I will get better . . . ✽

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