HARD LABOUR

by DAMO!
(Dublin)

At last the time had come, our first baby was on the way
I was really looking forward to such a beautiful day
Yes, a joyous occasion, the start of our family,
Little did I know it would almost be the end of me!!

When she got pregnant we were both ecstatic
We were absolutely thrilled
But her hormones turned her quite psychopathic
There were so many times she almost had me killed.

When her waters broke we tried not to panic
But I have to say she turned quite manic
The abuse was dreadful, all aimed at me
It was a relief to get her to A&E

They offered her drugs but she said no
There was nothing I could do
It should have been yes and I would have told her so
If I had known what she would put me through

The whole thing started with one small moan
But suddenly it all changed
As she dug her fingernails into the bone
And screamed like something deranged

I would have done something if only I could
But I could take no action
And when I caught sight of my own blood
I was driven to distraction

“There’s no need for language like that!”
I said quite taken aback
But she smashed my camcorder off the wall
In such a frenzied attack

So I just mopped the sweat from her brow
and advised her about her breathing
but she swore that she would get even somehow
oh boy she was really seething

Then she began screaming like someone disturbed
I could do nothing to ease her pain
And I must admit I became quite perturbed
As she thumped me again and again

Relax now dear was all I said,
You are almost there
Well she dug her fingernails into my head
And yanked out a clump of my hair

I decided to get out of the way,
I moved around for a better view
and it was then I heard her say
“When this is over I’m going to kill you”

I got so excited when I saw his hair
I could almost see all of his head
But she yelled at me to get out of there
And promised I’d soon be dead

All I said was “Push now dear”
“Pant like never before”
I don’t know if she just did not hear
‘cos she kicked me to the floor

Then an awful scream filled the air
Followed swiftly by a baby’s cry
Ah there he was my son and heir
A beautiful baby boy

I rushed up to her in tears
Wanting to embrace
But she just grabbed me by the ears
And head-butted me in the face

Now mother and baby are both doing well
Or so the doctors tell me
How long I’ll be hospital no one can tell
Because they say giving birth almost killed me!