i want to be okay again

by Mae Smith
(North Amercia, Washington)

You look at me and think, 'she's so happy' but there's so much behind this little smile that you will never know....
Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why?
Let no one think I gave in. Cause I didn't
The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive
It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.
It's funny the way you can get use to the tears and the pain. From the pain you caused me.
What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?
You can't just hug me and say it's okay because right n... it doesn't feel that way.
Don't you wish that Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.
Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.
Stop the world I wanna get off.
I bleed for you that's why I cut those simple scars are just deep thoughts. And my mom but i guess it don't matter to you.
Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more. more.
It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.
I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.
I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.
I know what it's like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.
Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by.
I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.
Even the people who never frown eventually breakdown.
How can you understand me when I can't understand myself?
I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being.
Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
Just because I'm laughing doesn't mean im okay.
You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too.
Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone.
I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own.
Tired of living and scared of dying.
It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.
I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be OK again.

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