by Jimmy Langford
As I think about my life I realize I was pretty lucky.
I have been able to survive controversy most will never understand or see.
I know they say time will wait for no man.
Yet I'm not ready to go so death you will just have to wait for me.
I fight my fights, I ask no man for a lending hand.
Sooner or later you have to learn to stand on your own two feet.
Fear wasn't an option for me.
I refuse to lay down til I feel my job is complete.
Born under the hatered of a woman who despised my birth.
She had tried to beat all will out of my soul.
Scars still stain my body to show how little she thought I was worth.
So many years, I guess it can only happen so long before it finally takes its toll.
Her hatred for me, I became accustomed.
She broke bones, scarred my skin, and tryed to destroy my mind.
When she turned to my younger siblings, I guess it had gone to far.
As I kept hitting, I kept screaming beat me if you want but here's where I draw the line.
Refusing to be locked away I choose to run.
Lived under whatever I could find to make a home.
Yet I couldn't wipe the stains from my hands.
What have I become?
Tried to find ways to clear my mind.
The memories would leave that brief moment I would find peace.
Just couldn't get them to stay gone.
Will these nightmares ever cease?
Heart starts to grow cold.
Hands slowly turn to stone.
I learn to fight, it gets me a job.
It almost feels like I've gone home.
Difference is now I'm the aggressor.
No one will ever place me there again.
Got too good at my job.
Goes to show you the arrogance of man.
One year later, they release me back to the street.
Addictions still holding me, memories still have no release.
Go to find the one woman I loved.
Found out she had been with child, but the lord took them above.
Really after all I've been through you still have more.
I start going anywhere I damn well please.
Gained a friend in alcohol.
Yet my memories still wont be ceased.
I've buried many of my friends along this way.
Yet it never gets any easier, as it goes on.
Mother and Father trying to make up for things that had passed.
Not their fault I am what I am, Yet I am their son.
Trying to help me beat the memories of my grandmother.
Erase the time I had spent with her but I can't bring myself to tell them all.
My burdens are mine to carry.
I can only blame myself if I let my guard ever fall.
Those times pass.
New friends come around.
Some helped lift me back from this hole.
They keep saying God will still forgive me, It does have a pleasant sound.
Many years pass again.
Still can't bring myself to comply with their plan.
To late to ask for forgiveness.
I will bow down for no man.
Funny when you make these statements you think you're right.
Whether or not you participate his plan will go as he sees.
When he needs you to be humble.
You will go to your knees.
Amazing all this fighting and going against his will.
He still wants to save me.
Wraps his hands around my hardened heart and removes the shell.
Tear flow so hard it blinds me, but for once I finally begin to see.
I thank you friends who never gave up.
Even now I ask you pray that I will continue to see.
I thank you God for having forgiveness.
I thank you Dear Jesus for not giving up when even I had given up on me.