The Story Of A Valentine's Single Pringle
by Jen Martinez
Roses are red, chocolates are brown
Nothing but gas bills through your door,
your face has a constant frown.
For months it's been TV dinners for one
and you're pissed off at forever being single
You long to share your couch with a tall handsome man,
not just with this mouldy old Pringle.
There's a reason behind your loneliness,
you have never been lucky in love
Your last flame was a Luther Vandross impersonator,
he ran off with the noisy cow from the flat above
What about Pervy McPerverson,
the one who left crude notes on your pillow?
His filthy, tramptastic words left mental scars on your brain,
you'd scrub yourself daily with a Brillo.
Let's not forget Timid Tony, he would always
cringe at your sexual lingerie
All this get-up had cost you a bloody fortune,
could he possibly have been gay?
Okay, that's enough disasters,
these memories bring you nothing but sickness
It's so hard to find a man with a good personality these days
as well as nice Italian shoes and fitness!
Wishing for flowers and candy hearts
or even some cheap V-Day tat from Tesco
Rose petals on the bed, a bit of Marvin Gaye
and perhaps some pink Prosecco?
You just want someone to wine and dine you
with a divinely expensive French meal
Instead you settle for a KFC bucket with a free bottle of Pepsi.
Now that's a cracking deal!
Fed up of taking a man's coat to the cinema
and pretending your date's getting popcorn
Mouthing all the words to the movie like a sap,
how many time's you seen Breaking Dawn?
Afterwards, you head to the store to pick up
some stuff from the ethnic food section
A hand grabs the last pack of Mungo beans you're
trying to reach then walks off in the opposite direction.
Annoyed by the rudeness of this fool,
you dash round to find him with your trolley
Crashing into a display of 2 for 1 cheesy nibbles,
you end up looking like a bit of a wally.
A familiar hand helps you up and you're now
face to chest with the bean stealing man
Sea green eyes with Robert Pattinson hair
and that's one hell of an amazing tan!
A bit dazed and confused from the toppling snacks,
is that Cupid's arse in your face?
Admitting it was a crap way to get to know you,
you're offered Bean Casserole at his place.
Stepping outside into the icy cold winds,
he hands you a jacket which miraculously fits like a glove
Realising he was the other lonely soul at the movies
with a popcorn-fetching date you think,
'Wow, this could actually be LOVE!'